A Slow Blossom
The place between where I've been and who I am becoming
I think I might be coming out of my cocoon ~ as the buds are barely starting to emerge mid April, my second official spring living back in Minnesota, I am beginning to blossom, slowly. New birdsongs are fluttering in my heart. I thought I had accessed this place many times in the past 1.5 years since moving back home, but I’ve actually been in such a deep unraveling process that I am just starting to be able to poke my head out and look around me ~ I’m reorienting myself to who I am now.
Some of you who have followed me on the gram for a while have witnessed quite the 180 in my life. I went from a northern Cali livin’ hippie educating on microdosing psilocybin and ceremonial cacao to living in the middle of a city back home in Minnesota. I ended an engagement, moved out of the house we co-owned, left my besties :( and took a leap of faith back to a place I hadn’t lived for over half of my life. My mantra at the time was - a lot of this is not my preference, but it feels right.
I have spent a solid 75% of my time here flailing. I found the conscious dance community and connected with my MN tribe that I did not expect to find here. Dance and singing have found me and have been huge anchors while I have dissolved completely into goo. I reconnected with my high school friends, forced myself to go to things solo, and started to re-grow some roots.
I found my way to a 12-step program for Emotional Sobriety (Adult Children of Alcoholics), which more than anything has changed my life for the better and I feel this is the reason I came home. It is allowing me to really look under the hood at my relational patterns and upbringing to see how I’ve arrived at being a vital, fertile 37 year old babe who is single, unwilling to settle and strongly desiring babies and family. More on that in future posts, I’m sure.
Since joining this program, and going through such profound identity shifts, I have backed off on sharing myself online. One, because I was so in the thick of it that I couldn’t synthesize anything of substance and two, because, through my ACA work I realized how much validation I was seeking from sharing myself on Instagram. So now I find that my IG has become more of a business account with some very light personal sharing, and I don’t really know how to be who I am today, there.
And, I have lots to share. Minerals and metabolism (my work now (and not the crystal kind #iykyk lol)) weave into everything, but I want to talk about dating in 2025, what it’s like running a metabolically supportive business as a woman, my experience warding off the fertility fear projections that are everywhere around me, beauty practices that I am aligning with, what it’s like to get way more honest with myself about my emotional health, mental health, and physical health. And I don’t have the time to set up tripods and find the best angle so that my double chin doesn’t show and the lighting hits just right to then condense these stories into fleeting posts that people skim and scroll through. I have developed too much substance into my life, and given so much of my past energy to being consumed online. (Not to mention ya girl is actively on the dating apps and we know how extractive that can feel).
So my internal wrestling in the no-man’s-land of who I was before and who I am becoming has led me to sitting here on this Saturday morning writing this to you on Substack. The spring sun shining in my window and my 2 cats are cleaning themselves next to me after frolicking in the forest behind our house. I’m feeling this ember in my heart that has always wanted to share starting to grow stronger. Let’s see where it takes me next.